Why friendship is important when growing up
The friendships that we make when we are children, are usually the ones that last a lifetime. Friendships endure time and distance and can also provide comfort and support to our children when growing up. Here we take a look at why friendship is so important for our children.
Here we look to the advice of child behaviour specialist, Dr. Paul Schwartz.
“Friendships in childhood begin as concrete relationships based on pleasurable experiences. As children grow-up, friendships evolve into a more abstract concept, one based upon mutual consideration and psychological satisfaction.
Friendships for children provide numerous important functions including companionship, stimulation, physical support, ego-support, social comparison and intimacy, and affection. Each of these functions has a different degree of importance at different times during development.
Friendships as a Handy Playmate
In the first stage, friendship, for children seven-years old or younger, is based on physical or geographical considerations and is rather self-centred. A friend is a playmate who lives nearby and has "cool" toys. There is little or no understanding of the other person's perspective or personality traits.
Friendship as Assistance and Mutual Trust
In the second stage, children between seven and nine begin to understand reciprocity and develop an awareness of the other child's feelings.
In the preadolescent stage, children nine to twelve, have friendships based on a pattern of give and take. Friends are now seen as people who help each other. At this stage, children realise they can evaluate their friend's behaviour and that their behaviour can conversely be evaluated. Trust, a benchmark of mature friendships, appears for the first time. In the latter part of this stage, rifts between friends are not as easily "patched up" as in early childhood. Instead apologies and explanations are necessary.
Friendships now become the testing grounds for new values and behaviours. Close friends help the adolescent work out his or her identity. In order to accept this identity formation, the adolescent must feel accepted and liked by others. Additionally, the "status" of friends during adolescence provides a sense of reflective - self-esteem. Being in the "popular" groups in adolescence elevates self-esteem into young adult life.
Quality and Consequences of Friendship
There is little doubt that having friends is extremely important to children. More than half the children referred for emotional or behavioural problems have no friends or experience difficulty in peer interactions. Friendships contribute significantly to the development of social skills, such as being sensitive to other people's point of view, learning the rules of conversation, and learning sex and age appropriate behaviours. They also help define both self and self-worth.
Friends also have a powerful influence on a child's positive and negative school performance and may also help to encourage, or discourage, deviant behaviours, such as delinquency or drug use. Compared to children who lack friends, children with "good" friends have higher self-esteem. They are less likely to be lonely and act more pro socially. They are able to cope with life stresses and normal transitions and are also less victimised by peers. Interestingly, children with friends of both sexes, as a group, are well-adjusted and have greater social skills than children who have only same sex friendships.
As parents, it is important to keep in mind that although friendships follow a somewhat predictable developmental sequence, as in other areas of physical, cognitive, or social-emotional development, not all children progress at the same rate and delays are not necessarily a need for concern. Additionally, parents who interpret their children's desire for solitary play as loneliness and attempt to "push" friends on them, may be making an incorrect assumption. As important as friendships are, like their adult counterparts, children may greatly enjoy and choose solitary activities. It's important to distinguish between being lonely and the desire to be alone, even in childhood. Like adults, children need "alone space" to grow and develop and, in their own way, reflect on the day's activities.”